The pressure of stability

I have 7 drafts of this post, simply because I’m so torn between these two ideals that I crave.

What is stability? This isn’t a google definition, it’s mine. Stability to me is being in a comfortable place, be it physically, mentally and spiritually.

What is instability? Me, right now.

Solo stop in Venice

Hopefully, by writing this out and discussing it with readers, it will become clearer to me which I prefer. Also, I don’t want this post to sound like I’m experiencing culture shock or I’m sad, I’m just simply confused about where to go next 🙂

Since I started this blog, my life has been a whole insightful learning journey. Though my Instagram may show a happy independent traveler, so much in that time has changed. Some I’ve learned from and some I’m still reflecting on.

The first two years were exciting! I came out of a long term relationship and really flourished. It’s evident how much I grew as a person in that time. Though, the one thing I feared was a stable life. Going back to what I had before, I just couldn’t see it happening in the future and frankly I was afraid.

Reunited with my uni mates

Time passed, I went back to university and after some time it felt good to know I would be in the same place for more than three months. I could actually begin to get my life together a little, focus on me and building relationships that were important to me.

I think I was right to be afraid. In this time many of the things I experienced whilst traveling happened also during the ‘stable’ time of my life. Credit to myself, I was writing my thesis and left a relationship in the USA. However, relationships (I use this term a lot, mostly relating to friendships) I thought I had with people were not the same. I made new friends, started dating and joined clubs. But it all happened so fast and before I knew it, I had to leave again. There was nothing holding me back to make me stay, making the whole year seem insignificant. Whilst I am grateful for the few friends I made at this time, I can’t take much from being there.

Visiting my Georgian friend in his new home in Italy

I moved to Prague. It happened very fast. I knew what to expect and I knew it wasn’t going to be the same, but it was going to give me some of the sense of adventure that gave me strength and growth.

I’m here now, in this beautiful city so close to other countries. The perfect place for someone like me. I’m involved with an organisation that’s allowing me to develop the skills I need to move forward in my career or even create my own charity. I’m learning Czech. I’m meeting groups of people almost every night. It’s awesome, but there is a part of me that sinks every time I get back to my studio.

Travellers in Prague

More travellers in Prague

It’s not culture shock, it’s different, I think all this time I’ve craved stability with people around me that make every day seem like an adventure. The thing about Prague is it has a very small population. Most of the people I meet are travelers, here on temporary contracts or aren’t planning to stay long. The time I spend in the city with the people is so valuable, that when I come home to an empty room, I realise that they’ve gone and tomorrow there will be new people. To some, this may seem exciting and it was for me at first, but now it’s getting difficult. I want to catch a train or a flight to see them and strengthen those relationships, but I can’t be in a hundred countries at once.

Sat at my favourite spot in the city.

I don’t say goodbye to people because every single person or place I’ve felt a connection with, I’ve taken the time and means to visit. This isn’t the problem, and those who I’ve met on the road can vouch that I have kept in contact and made every effort to visit them. The problem is I’m here and everyone is everywhere else. Everyone else has a room, a job, maybe a partner or a pet to return to. They know where their place is.

Meeting locals and travellers in Vienna

Where is mine?

On multiple occasions, I’ve almost moved countries for people when I felt that it was home or could be home. It never happened for various reasons, but I can’t help think that maybe I never did this because secretly I’m still scared of this sense of stability, and maybe losing it again.

The day before I left the UK, with my Auntie

It’s certain that I leave Prague and move back to the UK in October. I love my country, but I don’t want to stay there. If I stay there, I want to bring the people I met on the way with me.

 

You not wanting me, was the beginning of me wanting myself.

In a world where society teaches us that we must always have people by our side, we go through life exchanging relationships, whether they are friendships, romantic relationships, family etc.

I never found it healthy to cut negativity out of my life in the short-term, but in the long-term it was definitely the right thing to do. Though, it still doesn’t get easier.

Through my entire life, I’ve had people come in and out, some with or without explanation. Some of those relationships were the most toxic, and some brought me the happiest times of my life, yet losing them still hurt all the same.

My nature is very giving, caring and I always put others before myself, though people may not realise it. I always wish to engage in others interests and get them involved in mine, rarely keeping things to enjoy by myself.

When I left Sheffield for the first time, I was completely alone. I came out of a relationship, had 0 contact with my family and had no friends in London. It was terrifying. Especially for someone that enjoys being around people.

It took me about a month to get out of my comfort zone and meet new people. I then threw myself into my career. I was offered multiple positions. I chose to work unpaid abroad. I was offered more positions when I came back. And more. I went to develop my personal and professional skills abroad. I moved to the USA. I toured the USA in two weeks. I had the most memorable years of my life, all with exchanged relationships, but I learned to love myself more than I have ever known. I met some pretty awesome people along the way, who made a mark on this experience.

Whilst it was weird not having people support me all the way through the major changes in my life that were there at the beginning that, I realised the only person I needed support from was me. Even when I didn’t believe in myself, I didn’t crave the recognition from others and proved to myself that I could do and experience the things I wanted.

When I came back from Nicaragua, we as volunteers even had a whole session talking about the depression that may come with being home. I didn’t really understand it, until they started talking about people around you not really taking interest in what you have done, making it feel like you never went away and experienced all of those amazing things in the first place. But this was normal, and EVERYONE was experiencing it too. After all, it’s hard to expect the people that weren’t there to understand the impact those trips had on your life. Seriously, we’ve all had to sit through someone’s “Gap Yar” montage.

It’s a hard thing to come to terms with wanting yourself when you’re a person that wants others to want you. Though, the solitude that comes with raising your standards is something to not be afraid of, because the people that stick around to congratulate your successes are the people that secretly want you more than you want yourself.  Plus, it’s only temporary. I have the most amazing circle of people around me, some of whom I have only known for less than a year and some that were there the day I was born.